I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
