I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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