when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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