the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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