I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
