so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
