I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
