not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
