I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
