peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
