Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
