Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
