I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
