Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
