the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
