No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
