Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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