You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
