his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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