theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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