I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
