I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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