I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
