he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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