So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
