I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
