Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
