My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
