Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
