I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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