Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
