god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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