Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
