I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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