Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
