you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
