I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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