so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
