i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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