Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
