A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
