Will you blow on my dice?
I have demons in me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just had sex on a roof
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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