My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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