Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
