i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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