He told me they were just razor bumps!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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