ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
