Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
