We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
