I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
