i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
