yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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