allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
