U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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